Creating a Shop-ster

Now when we are in a clothing store, Ella wants to get out from her stroller and "shop." Just the way a lot of us will look through the rack, so does Ella! I guess she's had plenty of time to observe. She is definitely learning through imitation....

How do I not create a "shop-ster" when I am one myself? I have been reflecting deeply on this- though you may be chuckling as you read because it seems like such a shallow subject to begin with.... Let me start from the beginning of my shopping madness...

While I was only a few months pregnant, I began buying baby clothes- always on sale, which seemed to justify my large purchases at first. Then at some point, she just had way more than she actually needed, at which point, who cares if it's a bargain? Enough is enough. But still I shopped and shopped. I used to try to put it all away very inconspicuously, so Ryan wouldn't notice how full her closet became... Well, he's not an idiot! Luckily though he never minded so much that it caused arguments. Now that Ella has a closet FULL of clothes for 12-18 months, and plenty in 18 - 24 months, and then 2 years just waiting to be worn you would think that I'm done. But no, I am still frequently browsing my favorite stores online for any "must-haves"... I also considered a couple of times, loaning or giving some away- each time I just couldn't do it! I'd end up buying more clothes to give as a gift out of guilt of not being able to part with anything from my "collection."

What is wrong with me? Do other mothers go this crazy or is it just me? From the mommy friends that I have, I seem to be on the far end of the scale... So, I'm thinking something probably is wrong.... And thus in my self- psychoanalysis I have decided that I have always felt insecure in what I am wearing and am trying to prevent Ella from feeling the same. If that just sounds like an excuse, trust me, my analysis doesn't make me feel any better...

I remember once a Spanish teacher telling me in junior high that I looked like Barney (yeah, Barney). In front of the whole class. It's because I was wearing a purple shirt and green pants. And you know what? I really liked that outfit! Well, I don't think I ever wore that again... I remember once going to a church event and not taking my jacket off the entire time because I thought my shirt was too tight, and I didn't want to be judged. And there were plenty of times I was reluctant to even go to church because I just didn't know what to wear. Even now when Ryan and I are like, "maybe we should go to church?" I'll be thinking "wait, what would I wear?" It's not just church events either. For instance, I love going to nice dinners with Ryan, but even then, it's like "WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?" Not to mention what shoes to wear!

While Ella rotates from adorable outfit to adorable outfit, I am rotating between 2 pairs of pants and about 5 shirts. I had more clothing choices, before I had a baby! You'd think I'd just go get more clothes for myself, but that's easier said than done. I am still up 10 pounds and not feeling up to buying clothes in a bigger size : ( I bought one pair of pants in a size so big I won't even say- I felt so sad trying all the pants on, I was crying in the dressing room. You'd think I'd cut back on the sweets, head to the gym... What can I say? I love to eat (I am a dietitian!) and I hate leaving Ella screaming in the childcare center at the gym. And the cycle of feeling less than beautiful goes on and on...

Which brings me to the next realization. I took all the compliments that my sister received while we were younger, as an implication that I wasn't pretty. Growing up, it felt like everyone always told my sister how pretty she was- but not me. What some family would remark on, was that they thought I was skinny. Not such a good thing to tell a young girl. I just felt even more worried about gaining weight- which I eventually did. So what's left to feel good about?

So there you have it. I didn't feel like I was pretty. I think I'm buying a ridiculous amount of clothes because I want the girl that Ella becomes, to always feels beautiful. So what's so wrong with my shopping then? Does that make it okay? I'm still not sure.... I do know one thing for sure. No matter what Ella wears, it doesn't make me feel pretty! So, while I do love buying her cute stuff, maybe what I should really do is work on beautifying myself... because as it turns out, that may be the real problem.

Well, this blog was more serious than intended, but this is what happens when I stay up late and blog, I guess. Typing while sleepy has its dangers: loss of inhibition. Hey, why would I ever pay for therapy when I'd rather use the money for buying baby clothes? : ) Might as well just blog my feelings : ) Then go shopping- or not : )